11 February 2010

Youth, please pay attention! There will be rivers of wine and honey in Heaven. Heaven-dwellers are divided into 100 ranks. Aspire for the highest rank which is Firdous because God’s throne itself sits over it.

Wine is prohibited in this life. But because it is legal [in Heaven], the wine of Heaven does not leave you with nausea, trips to the toilet, intoxication or even headaches.

There will be comfortable couches, which can be adjusted, couches made of gold and precious stones. And young lads of infinite beauty will come to you with cups of wine taken from streams. They are eternally youthful and like golden pearls.

You can get any fruit you want and however much you want to consume. Birds, fried and put on trays — they come and present themselves for you to eat.
God gave this commandment to you from Seven Heavens above: to aspire for Heaven.

Whatever you want, you will be given. You will all be guests of God.

If you are not satisfied, there’s only room for relaxing there. There will be Houris (‘black-eyed beautiful Virgins’) protected like golden pearls. Please calm down a bit, beloved sisters! What is a Houri made of? Three things: the bottom part is made of musk, the middle part is made of ambergris, and the upper part is made of Camphor. Their hair and eyebrows are black in color, they are as beautiful as rubies and coral.

Wine taken, fruits eaten and your heart is content, then you are given a Houri — calming on the eyes, content for the heart, and relaxing to the body.

And round about them will serve youthful boys of perpetual freshness: if you see them, you would think that they were scattered pearls. (Koran 76:19)

In Heaven, no idle sounds will be heard, no noises will be heard that will lead you to become a criminal, only Peace will be heard.

Please calm down from now, beloved Sisters. Don’t ask me questions. You may ask: For you Houris; what for us? Now listen to what God has to say: You will be recreated anew. How will you be resurrected in Heaven? As virgins. Not satisfied still? God says further: You will be recreated as wives made to love their husbands, of same age, having no chance of aging ever.

What is Kaub? It is something that is erected. Forgive me but this is going to be a technical discussion. Kaaba (House of God in Mecca) is also called that because it is erected from the ground. The shin is also called Kaub because it grows straight out of the legs. Just like that, women in their full prime will have their may-mathi (breasts) pointing out.

They will have the same age. What age? Heaven-dwellers will enter there in the prime of their beauty: 33 years of age. 33 years is the age at which youth reaches prime. You will be eternally 33 years of age in Heaven; whether a 100 years pass or so you will still be 33 eternally. Height? 60 ‘muh’ (‘muh’ in Dhivehi is equal to 18 inches), in Adam’s image, everyone will be, there will be no one old.

So what’s the story about the wives we have on Earth? They will be many times more beautiful than a Houri. So no questions there. If you pray the five obligatory daily prayers, and fast when you are obliged to fast, and are faithful and obedient to your husband, there will be eight gates open at Paradise, so please enter from the gate of your choosing. More beautiful than Houris.

Then there will arise the question of jealousy. But in the Afterlife there are no such issues for God has said that he will get rid of the jealous streak in your heart. Then they will reside on the couches, one being considerate towards the other, and they will live on peacefully as if siblings. There will be no jealousy. No petty conflicts. There will be no issues rising among second, third or fourth wife, as you experience in this world. You only get to enter Heaven only after being cleansed of such inconveniences. In Heaven there will be only satisfaction and happiness and there will be nothing that troubles the heart. God is Great. That is Heaven.

Now let’s take a look at shopping in Heaven. But wait a minute, now youth will be wondering about this: what about going to the toilet after eating and drinking? Beloved brothers, there will be no toilet in Heaven. Why is that? A water will be given and after you drink it, a kind of bloat will leave through the mouth. It will smell like musk, no bad smell at all. It won’t be a Paradise of Blessings if we have to go to the toilet over and over again.

When you go shopping in Heaven, there will be no need for money or any need to actually buy anything. There will be no money in Heaven. They will go shopping every Friday. Why? To buy anything? No, to roam around for the heart’s content. A breeze from the north of Heaven will affect their faces and their clothes, and extra beauty will be added to them. When they return with such added beauty, their house-folk will say to them: “Every day your beauty increases.”

There will be no hospital. There will be no falling ill — ever. There will be no death — only living for Eternity. No ageing but eternal sustenance of youth.

Are you happy, Heaven-dwellers? What more do we need? Should I give you something more noble? What is better than this? God has said that today I am bestowing my approval and from today onwards will never resent my followers. Do you have a difficulty in seeing the Full Moon? Any difficulty in seeing the sun on a cloudless sky? Just like that you will see God through the naked eye. That will be the greatest gift you get in Heaven than this — seeing God’s self in his full glory.

Let’s see about the last one who gets to enter Paradise. He will walk, he will crawl, he will be surrounded by fire (as he comes out of Hell). The person who is in the least ranks of Heaven-dwellers will have in service 80,000 servants, 82 women, 100 people’s strength and after intercourse, (she) will always be re-virginised.

This is a gift I bring to those who desire heaven. We have a short time. We have only this Earthly temporary life to correct and through this key we get to enter Heaven and once we enter, there is no boredom and no difficulties. So use your youth to work towards this.

If you want to live your life’s days according to God’s way, you must lower your gaze, control what you hear with the ear, keep in check the actions committed by your hands and feet; do not say a sorry word at your brothers-in-faith and not raise a weapon against him; your tongue has to be kept in check. The tongue is soft and small but most people get to enter Hell due to misuse of the tongue. A person’s undoing is misuse of his tongue and private parts. A person who has protected these two parts are ensured a place in Heaven. Two angels will write every word you utter; you will be given a balance sheet of the actions you committed. If you want Heaven’s wine, give up Earth’s wine. You will get clothes made from silk.

Those who cut off blood relations, why be petty and jealous and give up Eternal Happiness? Compete and try to excel towards that. Why do we lose ourselves in temporary Earthly pleasures? This is a prison; this is the Unbeliever’s Paradise. We need to wake ourselves up for Dawn prayer. We have to make our children pray before they go to school in the morning.

Open letter to His Eminence the Mullah

Your Eminence,

This is excellent news indeed. Masha-Allah, I am completely convinced even though, I have to admit, I am a bit concerned about the anatomical composition of those houris. I mean ambergris is, after all, a discharge from the digestive system of the sperm whale; musk is a substance that comes from a gland close to the anus of a male deer and camphor is used to embalm the dead. The thought of cohabiting with maidens composed of substances associated with faecal discharges and the anus and smelling like a corpse is somewhat unsavoury. Nevertheless Allah (SWT), Rasool (PBUH) and you, venerable mullah, know best.

There will be comfortable couches, which can be adjusted, couches made of gold and precious stones. And young lads of infinite beauty will come to you with cups of wine taken from streams. They are eternally youthful and like golden pearls

Dear mullah, you have told the sisters that their hymens will be rejuvenated over and over. By any chance are we brothers into such good fortune by having our foreskins restored?

I am eternally grateful that I will be able to go shopping, insha-Allah, on Fridays. That’s an absolute bonus. I mean the knowledge that the days of the week will still be intact in al-Firdous is a relief. Our good mullah, you overlooked telling us if we are going to have a two-day weekend or just the one day. Even with the strength of 100 men one may need some light relief from all that “activity” during the week on that couch.

I wonder why the breeze from the north of al-Firdous is going to be so pleasant. Perhaps this bit of news needs to be kept from the hapless Scots, Norwegians, Eskimos and the like. In the northern countries, as opposed to holy Arabia, a northerly breeze is usually very cold and so it may not be such a good idea to tell them about this.

Hang on, but there is even better news in the sermon of your eminence. Some of us are going to crawl out of the fire of al-Gehannam and still be rewarded with 80,000 servants and 82 women. So does that mean there is still some room for misdemeanour in this life?

Thank you my dear mullah for such a riveting sermon! I am totally sold and shall rise up early for the dawn namaadhu. I bet those miserable Jews, Christians and assorted descendants of apes and pigs will now be so jealous. Alhamdu-lillah.

Talking of pigs, dear mullah, I have one more question to ask- please forgive me- and perhaps you can tell us about this in your next sermon. I live in an infidel country, several hundred kilometres from a holy mosque, and see a lot of haram things being consumed. You have now given the good news that wine will become halal in al-Jannah. I am wondering if laham khinzeer, the meat of the dirty pig, will also become halal over there. It’s just the way some of these cursed kuffar eat a whopping-good bacon and egg breakfast, sitting at those roadside cafes, makes my mouth water sometimes. Wouldn’t a chalice of good al-halal cabernet sauvignon with a bacon and egg breakfast (al-halal, of course) be a great way to start off the day after a busy night on those kinky couches, sa-aadatul-mullah?

I fully take on board what you implored, venerable sir, when you said “your tongue has to be kept in check”. There is absolutely no risk of that not happening, for the organ in question is firmly lodged in my cheek.

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